13 Reasons Why: Depression Edition

If you came across this article in a search of a medical or any painful experience which led to your depression, I sincerely apologize, but I can’t help you with finding that out. That one’s completely on you and after my experience I’m pretty sure you’ve asked yourself already those infamous and pointless “Why me?”, “What have I done to deserve this?”, “Why can’t I be normal like everyone else?”, etc. questions which are doing nothing but putting you in a vicious circle of trying to find the right answers, torturing yourself and making you feel even worse.

Nope, once again I can’t tell you exactly WHY, due to the fact that I don’t know you, but, then again, after going through everything I’ve went through with my battle with depression, I started thinking that there are bigger WHY’s, a bit more profound ones and the ones whose answers apply to all of us who have entered the gates of Hell. The WHY’s I wish I knew before those chemicals in my brain started working against me leading to that daughter of some bitch and the devil, a.k.a. depression, taking my entire life, heart, soul and body, making me watch the ruins of myself and  everything I’ve ever loved.

Here it is my depressed fellows. The answers you’ve been already both questioning and Googling. Why did we get depression?

13 Reasons Why You Are/Were Depressed:

  1. Because It’s About Time for You to Realize That You Are a Fucking Hero!

I know this is something people don’t tell you that often, particularly now when they feel as if you had become another person who should “snap out of it” because it’s “all in your head”. I’ve already talked about these oxygen thieves of beings who are pretty much sabotaging you with those idiotic comments of theirs due to their ignorance, so they’re not worth of any more mentioning. This is all about you.

If you are like me, you wake up every day, with no strength or desire to get out of the bed, “simple” tasks like brushing your hair or getting dressed feel like a burden, you rarely get out of the house, unless you are forced to because of your job, school, university, etc. , but even then, when you know you must do it, you still have pull out the last bit of willpower you have in yourself in order to get out and face the world, filled with people who don’t understand you, who have no idea what you’re going through, whom you might even despise for having everything coming “easier” to them than it does to you… Whenever you get out you had to put that “social mask” on your face so people wouldn’t know what’s really going on with you. Then after long hours of pretending to be your old self, you get back home, if you even left it, exhausted from all the acting and pretending and start staring at a blank wall with an even blanker expression on your face, going through the mentioned “Why” questions, thinking about what’s wrong with this world, this society, how you don’t fit in it, how you’re a failure, trying to find all the possible reasons why this is happening to you. Then comes the sleep. You might have it, but then again there are days when you can’t sleep, so after a while you end up sleeping three times per week as Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones was doing when he was consuming numerous drugs, but unlike him you are not being productive. On the contrary, you are simply hurting and torturing yourself with all those broken thoughts which are leading you to the even bigger despair. Until there’s nothing. You feel nothing you, your life is nothing and you simply exist. You maybe even want to live, not merely breath and exist as an observer, but you can’t, not here, not on this world, not now.

If not now, when? I always thought the ‘70s are the answer. That I was brought to Earth in a wrong decade. Why the Hell would I want to live in a world in which the majority of the population is celebrating the capitalistic society in which is completely and utterly socially acceptable to do everything for the money, even betray your friends or the people who had been loyal to you, using “ambition” or better yet the “It’s business” as an excuse? Am I really supposed to be here in the time of social media when there are millions of people glorifying The Kardashians/Jenners who are nothing more but representatives of the fact that this world will always have a market for ignorance, lack of individuality, vanity, stupidity and coitus? Why would I be born in the time when everyone are uniformed, looking and behaving exactly the same, having no openness to anything other than what’s “in”, modern or, as the Instagram and emoji slang though us, “TOP”/”GOALS”? Nope, this wasn’t my time. The 70s were.

If not here, where? Now, this is always debatable. First of all the grass is always greener on the other side and second I do come from a pretty much Third World country so it was kind of logical for me to want to escape this place. Then again, don’t you want to do it as well? Even if you’re living in the best possible conditions and depression and her little demonic minions start attacking your entire self, you want to escape. You need to. That’s when all the Hell breaks loose for some people. One of my friends started drinking, the other started using and now he is no longer present on this Mother Earth of ours, and my best friend from primary school decided that he can no longer take it and find an escape in jumping from the roof of his building. As you can see a lot of us were and still are damaged goods. 19263992_1558730327505774_803150472_o

I did think things would had been better if I was living in another country, which of course turned out not to be true. No matter where you are that daughter of some bitch and the Devil is going along with you. My escape was always reading and listening to the music, but alas depression knew how important reading is to me so she stole that ability away from me. All I had was music. My best friend got a cat, a girl I know started working out. We were all doing something in order to disappear for a while, to be somewhere else, as I’m pretty sure you all are doing as well. If not, start!

But why were we doing it? So we could prolong our lives? We hated our lives! We never talked about the problems we were facing with until we were done with defeating our demons all by ourselves, with the help of meds, doctors and all the other methods we talked about in some of my previous posts. We didn’t want to live! Why would we care than? It is a paradox in it?

Well depression is a paradox as well! Do you want to know why? Because it is one of the worst things you can experience in a lifetime, but after beating the crap out of that daughter of some bitch and the devil and after you exit the gates of Hell in which that devious monster had out you in, you would realize that depression is actually the best thing that has happened to your life.

I know it sounds mad, but aren’t we all? As Allen Ginsberg wrote “Follow your inner moonlights; don’t hide the madness”. Embrace it. You will learn a lot from it, trust me, I do know.

Now, let’s step back and look at your life one more time, but from another perspective. So, the chemicals in your brain are working against you, you have no desire to do a thing, you can barely get out of bad, sometimes you can’t even sleep or eat, you are convinced you’re not good enough, you feel guilty, alone, numb, blank… And even though everything is working against you, you still get up and go through the same torture every single day! You might had re-written numerous suicide notes, or thought about doing it, maybe you even think that life has lost all its purpose, but you’re still here aren’t you? And why’s that?

Because you’re a fighter, that’s why! Here’s the most important WHY out of them all. In one day you go through the variety of emotions some people don’t go in a lifetime! In just 24 hours you feel more guilt, more shame, more hate for yourself, than the majority of people would do in 24 years! And you’re still here! Why? Because you’re a bloody HERO! Do you think an average person whom you see or hear about every single day could survive this that easily? Yeah, but then again they’ve got a good job, great grades and all those other things excepted by our society as the symbols of “success”. And what did you do this year? You didn’t do any of these things, or maybe you had but of course you don’t appreciate yourself enough to realize that. But even if you hadn’t “achieved” anything this year, do you know what you did? You survived! Congratulations! That’s literally one of the hardest things someone in your situation could do! And YOU DID IT! Why? Because once again YOU ARE A FUCKING HERO!  

You’re just like Hercules when he was on his quests. He was the first man who got back from Hades. So, he was in Hell. I was too. And now it’s your turn to get out of it the same way we did, just in your own way and I have no doubt that eventually you will find your way!

So that was it. The First Reason Why! See you tomorrow with the second one.

All the love,

Hermione X

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