I’ve always considered music you love, the one which speaks to your body and soul, to be something extremely private. That’s why I never understood people posting their favorite songs, bands, musicians, etc. on Facebook or even talking about them to other people. Then again someone’s experience with depression is far more private and here I am exposing myself to everyone who have stumbled upon my past three posts.
As we all know depression is a cold hearted bitch which steals everything you love the most and destroys it leaving you with no sense of purpose and desire do take part in things which meant the world to you. So when that Devil’s daughter decided to come after me, the first thing she has taken away from me was my love for literature. She might had purloined my Dostoyevsky and company, my concentration, my desire to take a book in my own hands, my strength to hold a book in my own hands, but that bitch forgot to steal my headphones!
It’s undeniable that music, one of the most beautiful and magical creations of the mankind, has a healing power. As Heinrich Heine said, where words leave off, music begins. Hans Christian Andersen had almost exact opinion by saying that where words fail, music speaks. And, words had failed me. Miserably! I couldn’t have spoken, written or read any of them! But when I couldn’t express how I was feeling, due to the mixture of emptiness, anxiety, sadness, anger, despair and every other demonic feeling known to this world, there were others who had helped me understand what I was going through and made it much more easier for me to continue my charade of a life by showing me that I’m not all alone in this Hell on Earth. And by others I mean musicians!
I would love to create a Spotify list for you with all the songs which guided me to the exit of Hades’ chambers, but alas having a Spotify account is not one of the prerogatives of living in a practically a Third World country. So, this is how we’re going to do this. I’ll provide you with the name of the song and the artist and explain to you which elements of the song spoke to me and why.
For this post I will simply go through one song only and its significance, describing how I had related to each lyric. After listing a part of the song I will explain to why those words meant the world to me and why I found them helpful at the time. And there’s no better way for portraying the importance of those words than sharing my personal experiences once again.
The reason why I’ve decided to do a song at a time is the fact that I don’t know if you would like to read something like this and because the article would be far too long if I was to write every single one of the songs which got me through depression. You should also keep in mind that these songs come from some of my darkest periods in which, just like Tom Waits I liked beautiful melodies telling me terrible things. Therefor these are not those motivational songs; we’ll save those for later. These are the ones which get you, or at least they did get me at the time.
Please be open minded. You may not like some of these musical acts, but these products of their talents and creativities did help me. Also, bear in mind that not everything works for everyone and that some, or maybe even majority of these songs are not initially about depression, but somehow I found their lyrics helpful. Ok? Wonderful! Let’s start with the song number one!
According to Ed Sheeran, this song was inspired by his usage of a certain illegal substance, nevertheless I related to these lyrics during the darkest time of my battle with depression. Let’s go through it lyric by lyric.
I’ve been sitting here for ages
Ripping out the pages
How’d I get so faded?
Faded. That’s exactly how I had felt and I was stuck in a vicious never-ending circle of trying to find an answer to the infamous question of why is this happening to me, which can be summed up in Sheeran’s line “How’d I get so faded?” Also, if you recall I did mention that I wasn’t able to write a word, which didn’t stop me from trying to do so every now and then, which always resulted in staring at that petrifying blank page with no words coming out of my head. That’s where the “I’ve been sitting here for ages, ripping out of pages” is coming from.
This is how it ends.
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
Fading out again.
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
So tell me when it kicks in.
Even though in Ed’s case chemicals were obviously drug related, when it came to me it was more about those chemical reactions which were going on in my brain, torturing me and fading every single part of me. I thought they’re going to beat me and for someone who had rewritten far too many suicide notes, it is understandable that I’ve been waiting for those little devious minions of a depression to be the end of me.
Lord, forgive me for the things I’ve done
I was never meant to hurt no one.
This comes from the fear of hurting everyone around me with my behavior. I thought I was a bad daughter for staying locked in my room for days without even acknowledging my parents existence and screaming at them every time they would had tried to help me or simply talk to me. I thought I was a bad friend for not answering any of my friend’s calls, for not being there for my best friend who needed me at the time, for not going out, for not being able to have a proper cup of coffee without a feeling that I’ve ruined everyone’s mood. I thought I was a horrible girlfriend because I couldn’t find the energy to leave the house and be there for the person I love. The amount of guilt I felt for all these things can’t be described nor could it be understood by anyone who hadn’t gone through the same experience. What no one told me at the time, possibly because I didn’t let anyone come close to me, is that it wasn’t my fault. And neither is yours! If the people you think you’re hurting don’t stick by your side or at least wait for you until you beat that daughter of some bitch and the Devil also known as depression, well than you didn’t need them in your life anyway!
All the voices in my mind
Calling out across the line.
This is where my relation to this song reaches its climax. Sadly all the voices in my mind were calling out across the line, but I beat the crap out of them, silenced them with songs such as the one which is the main topic of this post and thankfully I’m still alive. In your face depression!
And those are the last lines of the track. I wasn’t simply brokenhearted. I was broken and felt like there is no heart left in me. So the lyrics did its magic.
That’s it my depressed heroes. I hope you found this helpful and please make sure to tell me if this song and/or my words were of any help to you. Also, please inform me if you would like for me to continue with this list of mine.
Congratulations on surviving another day of this messy life! Well done!
See you tomorrow with a song number two. Spoiler alert: it’s one of my favorite covers of all time.